I have done things in the last month that turn my stomach. I have lied to protect a man who did not search for me. I have been abused in his name. The Professor, having known him on earth where he was a weaker man, was easy for me to manipulate... Agrippa never would have thought I had it in me. But I do, I did.
I have not left Port Cos, though I have not set foot on land until today. I have been chained to the mans ring, upon a ship. I was inspected twice by men from the docks in the presence of the Professor. I did not dare speak out, admit who I was and who must surely be looking for me. Right? He would have gone mad with worry for me. ...right?
Silly little Lola.. the first time I had met Agrippa that had been what the other girls called me.. silly little lola, foolish little slave. I had only laughed then, happy, cheerful, bubbly me. I longed to be that girl again, I think I might shrivel up and die if I cannot find myself back where I belong. I have the chance too.. The Professor made a terrible mistake.
"I am going to unchain you today Lola, but you are not to leave this room."
A test, you see. Too see if I meant all the pretty things I had said to him. But I did not. What I did that night.. when I served the professor wine, is unspeakable. And.. untraceable. All the time I was with Agrippa, the time in Port Kar.. I was paying attention and a have a knack for.. herbs. The professor will not be bothering anyone ever again and his death will go unreported because he was known to be plotting the assassination of Agrippa. I think finding me among the Administrators possessions was just happy chance.
For the second time in my life on Gor.. I have killed a man who tried to hurt my Master. I have stupidly risked my life to save his own.. even though he may not feel the same as me. It doesn't matter, I'm not allowed to let it matter. I'm just a pretty slave girl who lost her cute. I'm just a silly girl in love with a shadow.
I fled the ship in the midst of the confusion, the shouting and the race to leave port. They could only assume they had been found out.. my absence would not be noticed for hours. I fled, naked and barefoot, my yellow hair was limp and dry and messy as I ran breathlessly, giddily, all the way to Goat Hill. My heart was nearly going to explode in my chest when I saw the gates.. fourteen giant leaps to the door and I threw it open, laughing and shouting...
"I am home! Lola is home! Master?! Glory! Bit!"
The open door behind me blew in a gust of dry.. dead air.. a single curled leaf scratched the side of my foot and danced into the foyer. .. oh no..
"Master!" I shouted.. my voice was beginning to crack. The whole house was dark.. and dead.
I took the stairs two at a time, sobbing by the time I reached the top.. reached his empty, cleaned out room. I checked the roof.. where all my vegetables were dead.. I checked all the rooms and finally the still stocked kitchen.. and then the garden.. my pretty wildflower garden that had meant everything... dead as everything else.. the flowers had fallen to the ground and were already beginning to rot. My sewing room was still filled with all my things, all the silk and jars of buttons and all my ribbons had been neatly lined up just how I liked them.
My trembling fingers fumbled over the lip of the doorjamb until I found the tiny key.. and I let myself into the basement.. My dark red room, the side of me that only existed for Agrippa.. Down here my cute was trampled on and objectified all at the same time. Down here I ceased to be me and at the same time became the very essence of me. I can never find the right words to describe what happened to me down in that basement. I think if I did it would loose some of it's magic.
I felt sick with worry.. everyone was gone.. who was taking care of him? Where was he? Had he left to go find me? Was he far away now? Would I ever find out the truth?
I crawled onto the couch, those grinning angry faces seemed softer now, as if they too could sense the turmoil of my heart. I pressed my cheek to the silk and realized, finally that I could understand this room now. I could understand a love so deep and so strong that a man could lock a woman up down here and keep her for himself.. I could have been that woman.
Can I still?
