Lost and....

I have done things in the last month that turn my stomach. I have lied to protect a man who did not search for me. I have been abused in his name. The Professor, having known him on earth where he was a weaker man, was easy for me to manipulate... Agrippa never would have thought I had it in me. But I do, I did.

I have not left Port Cos, though I have not set foot on land until today. I have been chained to the mans ring, upon a ship. I was inspected twice by men from the docks in the presence of the Professor. I did not dare speak out, admit who I was and who must surely be looking for me. Right? He would have gone mad with worry for me. ...right?

Silly little Lola.. the first time I had met Agrippa that had been what the other girls called me.. silly little lola, foolish little slave. I had only laughed then, happy, cheerful, bubbly me. I longed to be that girl again, I think I might shrivel up and die if I cannot find myself back where I belong. I have the chance too.. The Professor made a terrible mistake.

"I am going to unchain you today Lola, but you are not to leave this room."

A test, you see. Too see if I meant all the pretty things I had said to him. But I did not. What I did that night.. when I served the professor wine, is unspeakable. And.. untraceable. All the time I was with Agrippa, the time in Port Kar.. I was paying attention and a have a knack for.. herbs. The professor will not be bothering anyone ever again and his death will go unreported because he was known to be plotting the assassination of Agrippa. I think finding me among the Administrators possessions was just happy chance.

For the second time in my life on Gor.. I have killed a man who tried to hurt my Master. I have stupidly risked my life to save his own.. even though he may not feel the same as me. It doesn't matter, I'm not allowed to let it matter. I'm just a pretty slave girl who lost her cute. I'm just a silly girl in love with a shadow.

I fled the ship in the midst of the confusion, the shouting and the race to leave port. They could only assume they had been found out.. my absence would not be noticed for hours. I fled, naked and barefoot, my yellow hair was limp and dry and messy as I ran breathlessly, giddily, all the way to Goat Hill. My heart was nearly going to explode in my chest when I saw the gates.. fourteen giant leaps to the door and I threw it open, laughing and shouting...

"I am home! Lola is home! Master?! Glory! Bit!"

The open door behind me blew in a gust of dry.. dead air.. a single curled leaf scratched the side of my foot and danced into the foyer. .. oh no..

"Master!" I shouted.. my voice was beginning to crack. The whole house was dark.. and dead.

I took the stairs two at a time, sobbing by the time I reached the top.. reached his empty, cleaned out room. I checked the roof.. where all my vegetables were dead.. I checked all the rooms and finally the still stocked kitchen.. and then the garden.. my pretty wildflower garden that had meant everything... dead as everything else.. the flowers had fallen to the ground and were already beginning to rot. My sewing room was still filled with all my things, all the silk and jars of buttons and all my ribbons had been neatly lined up just how I liked them.

My trembling fingers fumbled over the lip of the doorjamb until I found the tiny key.. and I let myself into the basement.. My dark red room, the side of me that only existed for Agrippa.. Down here my cute was trampled on and objectified all at the same time. Down here I ceased to be me and at the same time became the very essence of me. I can never find the right words to describe what happened to me down in that basement. I think if I did it would loose some of it's magic.

I felt sick with worry.. everyone was gone.. who was taking care of him? Where was he? Had he left to go find me? Was he far away now? Would I ever find out the truth?

I crawled onto the couch, those grinning angry faces seemed softer now, as if they too could sense the turmoil of my heart. I pressed my cheek to the silk and realized, finally that I could understand this room now. I could understand a love so deep and so strong that a man could lock a woman up down here and keep her for himself.. I could have been that woman.

Can I still?

Gaining the Professors Trust

"Alexander!" I cried out. He looked over at with wide eyed surprise.

"Do not speak to me, slut."

"Master!" I corrected as I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his knees. I was naked.. and kneeling for him.

At last.

~To be continued.

A bigger picture

For three days I was chained to the mast of a small ship. I ate from the fingers of another slave, drank from the cup of another. Everything was dead in the world. The sea held no pretty glimmer for me and the sky was gray for me no matter how the sun shone. I was worried for my garden, my sewing things, my rooftop terrace, my basement and most of all.. for my Master. Surely he had to be frantic now! By now he would all of the island searching for me.

Because he loved me, because I was special. I was his sweet little girl.

But three days had turned into 6 and then more.. and yet I was still here. No one spoke to me, no one touched me. The isolation I felt, the cutting off from the world, was the worst of all. I was truly .. alone. I missed my Master like I missed water, like I would miss the sunshine. I missed love and affection.I missed trying to please him. Even when I failed.. I even missed failure.

The small ship I was on had docked again, in Port Cos and I tried to shout to the men on the docks but I was so tired from standing here, my throat hurt, my body ached painfully. Someone did see me though.. someone looked up at me form the docks and I tried to scream my Masters name but in one swift slash of a knife the robes that bound me were cut and I fell limply to the deck, crying and coughing.

"Take her below and get her cleaned up." He snapped at one of the rowers, men captured in a raid surely and used now as slaves. I felt thick hands on my body and was thrown uselessly over a shoulder. I had never felt so helpless.

Two things happened on my way to the bath that changed everything, that made my emotions intensify..

I locked eyes with a man I knew all too well and I heard him speak.

"Port Cos will be free of this farce of a man once and for all."

It was the Professor.. and he spoke of Agrippa.

Stolen?!

I suppose it is my own fault. It must be my own fault. I still am not sue what I did to warrant the beating this morning but I took it to heart, the things he said afterwards. At least.. I meant too. Entertain, amuse, please. I was a privately owned city slave. City slave.

It had been a very short time ago, in Port Kar, where everything had been good and fine and happy. I'd been important to him then. I'd been special. Everything has changed. How I feel is constant. I loved him. I love him, I will love him.

from afar.

Agrippa needs .. things I cannot give him. Glory is better for him then I am. She is less.. curious then I am, she doesn't have my need to know and understand things. Her emotions are more focused on sex then mine are. I am not any good at being a slut. I'm just a silly little girl who thought she was in love.

I wish I had someone I could tell, someone who would see the empty space in my chest where my heart used to be and hug me, tell me it will be all right again. On Gor a woman like me can have many masters. I have no right to expect love. I have no right to even expect kindness.

No more expectations.

I had the most horrible feeling that it was coming, that he was finished with me. He wanted whores.. not silly little girls. Maybe I smiled too much, laughed too much.. or cried too much. I am crying now. Was it my ribbons? My flowers? My sensitivity? I had run home from the Markets, my ribbons left there, the bag as well. I had fled to the garden, where I could lose myself in the brightly colored flowers. Blossoms I could whisper all my secret feelings too and they would never judge me for it. I stayed there for hours when I started to think about the basement.

I rose, a handful of daisies in my hand and started for the basement door. My heart was pounding, my ponytail swung loosely down my back. I felt calmer just thinking about that room. I wanted to lock myself in there and sleep away the next few days. My hand closed over the knob, the key was in my hand when it happened.

I was grabbed from behind in the quiet house and rudely stripped, a hand covered my mouth and then a gag was forced between my lips so I could not scream. The peach silks I wore were torn from me, spilled on the floor in a ruined pile. The ribbon in my hair was yanked free and my yellow waves fell around my slender shoulders. My belly chain was torn free and skittered across the floor. They left my earrings in place though I was now naked. I recognized one of the men, he stood before me and I nearly relaxed. He worked for my Master. Surely I was safe.. he worked for my Master!

And then he pulled out a key and unlocked my collar.

I screamed, fought and kicked him. I lost every shred of decorum I had left. The hand on my mouth tightened and forced the rag deeper in my mouth, his arm held my waist tightly, pulling me back on him as I tried to scratch them, kick them.. I wanted my collar back! I'd die without it, I'd .. just.. die.

Please oh please oh please.. I was choking on the rag, bruised around my waist. I was sobbing again. I'd never see my garden again. The vegetables on the roof would surely die, the sewing room would grow dusty. Who would cook for him? Who would press his uniform and carefully scrub the straps of his sandals?

Who would sleep in the basement?

"The professor has a message for you." The man spoke. Was he kidnapping me?! Was I being sold?! I shook my head violently, slamming the back of my head into the nose of the man who held me. In surprise he let me go and I tried to run at once, my feet slipped and I caught myself on my hands. I started to scream for Agrippa but the man I recognized was fast and I felt a sudden blinding pain behind my eyes and the whole world.. went black.

When Agrippa came home I'd be gone.. but my silks, my belly chain and a scattering of daises would be scattered across the floor by the basement door. I clung to the hope that he would find me and bring me back home.

Where I belonged.

Dance with me

till the end of love.

Alone, in a crowd.

I have been trying, because I think it is what he wants and there has not been time to really ask, to get.. out more. Alone, on my own with no shopping list. I have left the house dressed prettily, with fresh ribbons in my hair and wandered to the market square and to the docks. My feet are bare, my ankles no longer belled so I no longer can draw attention without speaking. I miss my bells but.. I like my new found ability to be silent.

I can go where I wish, I can be soundless, silent and soft. I can lean on a wall by a window and hear the discussions inside. I can go unnoticed. Even in the house, i think.. I can sneak now. I really don't need too but it is interesting, to know I can. I have not been brave enough to go anywhere yet where I might be forced to serve a man.

No one hears me when I sneak down to the basement and lock myself in that room. That room scares me so much yet I keep coming back to it. I keep touching everything there, running my fingers over the netal and the leather and mostly the silk.

I crawl into the thick plush furs and feel myself sink into the luxury of them, my honey gold curls spilling around me and I imagine what it must have been like for the woman who lived down here, kept away from the sun, hidden away and protected from jealous anger. Love can be cruel.. love can hurt. I run my hands over the silk and let my gaze fall on the dangling chains, tiny manacles. I flex my wrists and bring one to my mouth, pressing my lips there as I stare at that hanging chain and feel all slithery slick inside.

I fall asleep there, The key in the lock, the chains still as stone and my naked body wrapped up in the heat of.. this room.

Like somebody's watching me...

I was buying larma fruit, my delicate fingers swept over the shiny skins. I was a toucher, a taster. I feel things differently from others, I know. Sensation is everything. I cannot keep my hands to myself. I do not want too. So I was touching the fruit, breathing in the sharp citrus scents, the crisp tart of the red fruits.

My thoughts were a million miles away.. on my Master, on his.. head and how he had behaved last night. I had run to him to be comforted form the harsh sounds downstairs. I couldn’t stand them. I banged my shin on a step and stumbled into his room. But it was not my master that greeted me. It was a stranger. He demanded I strip myself, he tore my pretty bells from my body, the clasps broken, the little bells scattered over the floor. I wore nothing by my earrings, which were more then jewelry.. they were what marked me as the lowest of slaves, a pierced ear girl.

"Go to the sun deck." He snapped at me and, withholding my tears, I fled. But Agrippa followed me, wrapped me in my favored fur, kissed my temple and ordered me to sleep.

"Tomorrow will be better." he promised.

So here it was, tomorrow and things were better. I was slipping back into my place in his world, I was happy today. I was.. naked and unadorned but I knew it pleased him to see me this way sometimes, to know others saw me and desired me. Lucky for me there were few men in Port Cos who would dare to use the Administrators slut without at least asking first. I could come and go unscathed.

"I'll take 4 of those." Spoke a voice form my left. A mans voice.. a voice that reached right down to my belly and pulled all the strength form my body. My knees weakened. I turned my head slightly and peered at the speaker.

It was the professor.

I turned and fled.

Goat Hill

The house on Goat hill is the very same house I always dreamed of when I was.. well, before I was brought here. I think Agrippa reached into my dreams and plucked it form there. It's big, three stories and kind of rambling. It is set back on a hill and surrounded by what appears to a shrub somewhat like hemlock. Pretty but deadly. It appeals to the part of me that enjoyed Sylvia Plath. You know.. head in the oven my daughter just killed herself kind of emo writing before emo was too hip to handle?

The front door is black, ornate but stately, as it should be for a man in his position. I must admit though, even now, when I am trying to put space between us, to find my cute again.. I worry that he is handling his position too foolishly. When I think these things my fingers trace the lettering that has long since washed from my belly. But that's another story.

When you walk into Goat Hill you are greeted by marble floors that are always highly polished. I would appreciate them so much more if I was not the only one polishing them. I think when I have won his affections back again (and never doubt that I will) I will beg him to purchase three kettle slaves who can cook but are very skinny and unattractive.

The furniture is sparse and mostly appears to be antique. There are whole walls of bookshelves, empty though, save for one book that I found on the floor of a closet. It looks like pretty poetry, I hope it is. (it's really instructions on how to properly stoke a wood stove, seriously.)

My room, not where I sleep exactly but my room simply because no one else would want to be there like I do, is the sewing room. It too is lined with shelves but I have filled them with all manner of cloth and silk and ribbons and trims. I have jars of buttons and sparkles and shiny bits of metal. There is a mirror, something like a dancers mirror and a lot of natural light through the wall of windows and door that face 'my' wild flower garden. It leads right onto the stone path that winds though the garden. There is a broken bench out there that I want to fix. I smirk, realizing I am immersed in the broken lately.

The kitchen is large enough to feed an army, there is a brick oven.. like a pizza oven only big enough to put whole people inside of it! Metal grating creates shelves for cooking and a thick heavy kettle sits firmly among the ashes. It reminds me of Cinderella. If I were Cinderella I would sleep here. But.. I am not because I am loved.. most of the time, right?

There are several guest rooms and then my Masters large bedroom that sits below the sun deck.

flash..

"What would you want a big house for Lola?" he asked me on the boat one day, an idle amused question.

"We could have a sun deck on the roof! And sit all afternoon in the warmth." I had replied, grinning and sparkling for him. He had rolled his eyes at me and chuckled.

"I like the barge just fine."

back...

So when he brought me here and told me about the sun roof, a silent gesture to show me how much he did listen to the silly things I said, how much he wanted me, silly little lola, to be happy, I felt so inadequate again! How could ever show this man how much he meant to me? How much his gestures meant to me? How could I possibly care about collars and silks when he gave me spaces and places and prose..

There is sunken marble tub on the third floor and I take a great deal of pleasure in being the one who draws his bath most nights, running the hot washcloth over his shoulders and down his chest. My lips pressed to his temple, a little whisper in his ear.

Lastly.. about the house on Goat Hill is the basement. My breath catches just thinking about that basement. Some woman lived there once, isolated and alone, caged away for the pleasure of a man. I cannot help but wonder what she did to deserve that? Agrippa says it was love.. but then could he do that to me? Shut me away from the whole world in that dark red room?

Can you love someone.. too much?

Where my love grows

"You can deal with it then." he had said, as if it was some kind of annoyance to his world. It is the last time I recall being really, really happy. It was only a few weeks ago but it seemed too far away to touch now. My mental bridge between that day and this day has fallen. Broken. Dust between us.

I had kissed him and laughed when he gave me the wildflower garden with it's climbing ivy and flowers so big and bright they were dazzling to me. Birds live in my garden, butterflies flock here. Love grows here. I cannot name the flowers, I was taught nothing of Gorean botany. I call them by their colors. Tall yellow reed, fat red blooms, spiraling blue bush. There are more then I can ever count and every morning I pluck a handful of them and bring them into the kitchen to brighten everyone's day.

Everything was perfect that day.

Now I have doubt, now I wonder why I bother. How can I be a love slave and have doubt? I am supposed to be the most humbled of slaves, the happiest, the most fulfilled. But I have run out of smiles, I had no idea I had so few or I would not have squandered them away so quickly. Agrippa has not run out of smiles... just smiles for me. He hardly notices me now, no matter how much effort I put into how I dress, or my hair. I could be wearing bootstraps and sack cloth, it would all be the same. I would do it too, because misbehaving seems to work for Bit.. but I am not that bold, I need him to be pleased with me to much to want his negative attention. And somehow.. while he seems to find Bits misbehavior, often at my own expense, amusing.. I do not think I enjoy that same connection with him. I do not want too. I am a good girl.

I have lost my cute. Like a broken toy. That's what I am too.. a broken Toy.

She got into my gold glitter, which I suppose is not very rare or expensive but.. I had earned that, Agrippa had not given it to me or bought it for me.. I had earned that on my own. I had tried to tell him twice, even before bit used it, but.. There is something wrong with the way my voice finds his ears, it keeps getting lost on the way. The small gestures I have tried to make, the kisses and the touches.. have gone unnoticed for days. All of this and then Bit used nearly all of my glitter which cannot be replaced by simply purchasing more.

He had me whip bit, I didn't want too, I've never whipped anyone, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I re-home the worms and snails I find in the garden for goodness sake.. and still I had to whip her. When I finished I realized how little it mattered, Bit hardly seemed bothered by the fact that I whacked her with a tree branch ten times. She must be a very strong woman because I would have been reduced to apologetic tears. Apologies on Gor seem so rare, which is probably a good thing, they are more meaningful when they are doled out sparingly. But I.. I would have liked a real apology for the destruction of my things. For the disrespect of touching what was mine without asking, for ignoring the order to wait til I taught her how to use them before she did.

I tried so hard to like bit and, for awhile, I did. I liked her right up until she tried to physically harm me and and threatened my life. How can I forgive that when, again, she has not apologized and likely never will unless someone tells her too. I was trying to pick out fabric for her, mind you.. I never get to buy new fabrics for myself, but I was picking out colors for Bit. I have no idea what she was so worked up about. So worked up that she though it was justified to pull my hair and choke me. Bit doesn't understand that she has so much more then I do. She did not make anything she wears, she never has to get her hands dirty, Agrippa is always pleased to see her. She has a more elaborate collar, she has more freedoms, she does not annoy him like I do. He went out of his way to have her, tricked her, wanted her to be his. Me? I was just an accident, hopefully still a happy one.

Bit and I will never be friends, I suppose. Not like I have easily befriended Glory. I think perhaps it is because Glory is so completely unlike me, it is easier for me to like her. The more bit tries to be like me.. the less I want to be around her. It makes the ground beneath my feet shift, it makes my collar feel.. looser.

I am.. unpleasant to be around now, I can see that. I am not a happy girl, the happy girl he used to like. I will let their be space between us, I will let him decide when he wants me near. I have enough to do at home to keep me occupied.

The garden needs some attention.

Unfinished

Twist

You asked me if I wanted chocolate or vanilla.
So I asked you for strawberry, please.
You smiled at me
And gave me caramel

Twist.

Caramel turned out to be what I wanted all along.
I wanted to stir it up and melt it down.
I wanted it to be ooey gooey sticky slick.
You took my spoon and made me do it with my hands.

Twist.

2009 C.A. For Alex, Unfinished

House wife, no more?

Today I baked cupcakes. In actual tea cups because Gor didn't have muffin tins and what is up with that? So I baked cupcakes and frosted them with pink and yellow butter cream frosting and added pretty purple and white sprinkles. I was terribly pleased with my accomplishment. I set them out over the counter in a pretty little display and then brushed my hands on the pink and white gingham apron I was wearing.

Are you nauseous yet?

My bells tinkled lightly as I hurried though the first floor, eagerly searching for anyone to force feed a cupcake too.

"Master?!"

"..bit?"

"glory?!"

Nothing. I sighed to myself and glanced out the window to look over my wild flower garden. It was thriving, even though Agrippa hadn't watered the daises and I'd had to rush in to save them, just in time too! I had cried about that, much to my shame..I had kind of sobbed. Those silly flowers were kind of the only friend I had. They were my esme! I ran my fingers over the windowsill thoughtfully and then wandered back to the kitchen. The house was clean, my sewing caught up.. there was none to cook for and no mess to clean up.

Agrippa was probably down at the docks doing all kind of political things there, bit and glory were either with him, kneeling at his feet, touching his legs, placating his moods, having lively discussions or off with other men being alluring and making him money and whatever else. I was left behind, again.

To bake cupcakes. Hmm.

I leaned on the counter, my forearms resting there as I considered this. I was left home in the kitchen, in the garden, with a rolling pin and pigtails and an apron. I had become ... Agrippa's housewife.

"Oh, no!" I bit my lower lip and reached up to pull out my ribbons angrily. Crumpled in my hand I tossed the pink ribbons onto the counter. "Oh no, no." I mumbled to myself. The apron was the next victim, tossed to the floor in a messy pile. Where was the sultry slave who had begged to be raped over a create in Port Kar? Who had so eagerly exposed herself to merchants and thieves. Where was the girl who had teased the men on his ship with a sparkly gaze and a blown kiss.

Lola the house wife.. can you stand it? Cause I can't!

I donned the silks I had made for bit.. a dark crimson red with a deep v between my breasts, a thin gold chain draped from one side to the other and over each hip where the silk was split. I left my hair down and darkened the kohl around my pretty blue eyes. I was liberal with the gold dust I brushed over my small frame. I left all the ribbons behind and brushed my fingers over the basement door as I walked past it.

I was flushed as I walked out of the house, a little rush of adrenaline from the boldness of.. well.. me! Behind me, in that kitchen.. I left a half eaten cupcake, my ribbons, my apron and the intangible Lola the housewife. She wasn't dead.. yet.

But I.. just might want her to be.

Oh! Mr Best You're Very Bad

Oh! Mr. Best, you're very bad
And all the world shall know it;
Your base behaviour shall be sung
By me, a tunefull Poet.--
You used to go to Harrowgate
Each summer as it came,
And why I pray should you refuse
To go this year the same?--

The way's as plain, the road's as smooth,
The Posting not increased;
You're scarcely stouter than you were,
Not younger Sir at least.--

If e'er the waters were of use
Why now their use forego?
You may not live another year,
All's mortal here below.--

It is your duty Mr Best
To give your health repair.
Vain else your Richard's pills will be,
And vain your Consort's care.

But yet a nobler Duty calls
You now towards the North.
Arise ennobled--as Escort
Of Martha Lloyd stand forth.

She wants your aid--she honours you
With a distinguished call.
Stand forth to be the friend of her
Who is the friend of all.--

Take her, and wonder at your luck,
In having such a Trust.
Her converse sensible and sweet
Will banish heat and dust.--

So short she'll make the journey seem
You'll bid the Chaise stand still.
T'will be like driving at full speed
From Newb'ry to Speen hill.--

Convey her safe to Morton's wife
And I'll forget the past,
And write some verses in your praise
As finely and as fast.

But if you still refuse to go
I'll never let your rest,
Buy haunt you with reproachful song
Oh! wicked Mr. Best!--

by Jane Austen

New Horizon

Agrippa has secrets. Secrets he keeps from me. I have clues of course, a mental list of names and places all mixed up with things I heard or saw... Cos, Haven going missing, Xia leaving and becoming Ubara, The thief, Crates that did not hold dresses, labels I could not read. In Port Kar I was not allowed out alone, I never left the house or shop without Agrippa or his men. Don't misunderstand, I was not guarded.. I am not worth much. A silver, 40 coppers.. a half a dollar? Yea, I wasn't guarded. But now and then one of his men would take me out to the shops, to carry his things. No one ever used me.. not that it was not allowed. It was just that.. you don't put on another mans boxers without asking first, right? Even if we are talking about grade a silk hand woven by the gods with stars in her eyes kind of boxers.

Sometimes I ache to ask him, to tell me what’s going on, what is he protecting me from and why? I am only a slave, I want to know everything but I am only a slave. I have to wait and trust that he will tell me when he wishes me to know.. and maybe never at all and maybe that's best. Gor is a harsher world then I am used too. Perhaps he does not think I am prepared to know all his secrets, maybe he would be right.

I am sitting today, on the sun deck on Goat Hill. Another day I will tell you all about this wonderful house, today I will only tell you about the view. My view. Ok so I know it is not 'mine' but at the same time.. it is! Especially right now. I am sitting up here on the cool wood just before the sun climbs high enough to warm the roof. I can see just about all of Port Cos and the river winding gently away.

Up here everything is quiet and peaceful. I can feel the wind coming in from the water and pulling my silken waves from my face. I close my eyes and breathe it in, letting the whole world fill me up inside and settle there..And then I breathe out.. letting it all go back where it belongs. Down stairs there are a million little things waiting for me. I am first girl now and while I really don’t feel any different or feel like I have anything more to do.. I do feel like what I have been doing all along will count more now, I will be held more accountable. Thinking about that sends a shiver down my spine. Agrippa is very good to me.. but he is also a little bit harder on me then on others. My failures count for more, my success for less. Disappointing him is not an option.

But I digress. I was trying to tell you about Port Cos. I have been to several cities on Gor, some for a day or a week and some for months or nearly a year. Port Kar stands out the most, though I am largely unaffected by living there. Like I said.. I was sheltered from the filfh there.. Agrippa did not, I think, want me tainted by it.

Port Cos is .. amazing. There is such beauty here in the landscape that takes away my paltry breath. Every time I turn a new corner I am accosted by something new and delightful. Here I am allowed to go out alone though.. I am timid about it. I am nervous about serving strangers. I am frightened of being caught by other men. Not all men are honorable enough to ask permission. I fear that my reluctance to venture away from my Master is beginning to annoy him. I shall try, I suppose.. to be more like the other girls. I see how much they make him smile with their.. Confidence and attitude.

Port Cos will be a constant lesson for me, I think. I am not only sharing my master with other women now.. but with an entire city. Already the free woman flock for his attention and while I greatly.. and I do mean greatly! enjoy watching those displays and his subtle rejections they ignore.. I miss the times when it was just us in a dusty shop, before a dying fire or cleaning up bloodstains at the bottom of a stairwell. Sigh.

"Lola!" I can hear him calling me. I didn't tell anyone I had come up here. I rise, unfolding gracefully, the soft purple ribbon in my hair danced as the breeze picks up and I can see another ship approaching the docks.

"LOLA!" Closer now.. maybe he does know I am up here. I grin. I like it, in a weird way, when he shouts for me. Maybe I just like being needed.

"I'm coming!" I call down the steps as I hurry down them with the shimmer of my ankle bells.

In the end... I'd live anywhere and be happy about it to still be his girl, but I am glad he choose Port Cos because the sunsets here explode over the river every evening and it always reminds me of how lucky I am to have been chose to come here, to have been chosen...

By Him.

"..Lola." He smiles.

Wearing the big girl panties

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

I imagine he does it on purpose. It is too precise to be an accident. He does it with the tone of his voice or a brush of his hand against my back. He breaks me down when I am my strongest. He keeps me vulnerable. Agrippa shows me how strong I am.. when I am at my weakest. How much sense does that make?!

He hugged me when he let me out the sewing room. I mumbled breathless apologies into the crook of his neck. This was new to us, this tension, jealousy.. and sharing. I'd never been jealous of other slaves with him before but it was easy to figure that one out. I am only jealous of what I find threatening. Bit threatens my place in the world, she is many things that I am not... and I worry that she is more useful then I am. Agrippa likes money, a lot. Almost as much as he likes my ass. But it is Bit that brings him that happiness.

Sitting in that room had given me so much time to think and I have come to a very simple conclusion.

There is no competition among those of us on his chain. It is not for me to compete. I've already won. I wear his collar and often, his hand prints, I catch his eye when we pass each other in the house, I still excite him, inspire him. I still love him and no one is trying to take that way or, if they did try, could! His finger is perpetually on my pulse. I belong to him, I dare anyone to try and break that bond.

I do not need new things, pretty arm bands or new silks. I actually.. prefer creating my own things. I enjoy thinking about the next way to tease him. I consider the way a fabric will drape over my hips, the way a scrap of silk will hug my breast. I pay attention to the colors and the textures and the cut of things, the way a piece of jewelry will lie against me, frame parts of me. I wear hair ribbons almost every day, perfectly matching me. I wear them for him to steal from me, to crumple in his strong fingers, to bind my wrists with. Who else but Lola will ever do those things just for him?

So I apologized, breathlessly into his neck and he ran his hand over my messy hair, smoothing it. He pulled back my head and kissed me, a sweet soft kiss that licked the flame inside me. His arms squeezed me a little and I think he was trying to force all bad thoughts out of me and make me be the sweet innocent girl I used to be.

Nothing gold can stay.

My jealousy will never go away; I am a jealous territorial girl. Ribbons, colors, certain chores, these things are mine; I exert some modicum of control over them at his will. I will learn to work though those feelings. I will reinforce the need to not compete. Were all different, were all cogs in the machine, people can be different and all still needed.

He took me then to meet the newest slave. I know! Such timing, how like him! In the markets I was chattering on about fruit salads and chutney and salsa. Agrippa tended to just eat what I made though, and not care much about the fancy names or methods used to create meals. Suddenly, in the midst of my rambling, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the woman I was most likely to avoid in a public place!

Glory was climbing to her feet after being shoved from the mouth of any alley. She had the most amazing tumble of thick black hair. It surrounded her and seemed as alive as her expressive face. She bites, I can tell. She was wearing some kind of leather.. thing that I swear had to hurt! I pressed my knees together and slipped a little behind my Masters side. Suddenly Bit seemed like pussy cat.

So naturally that was when it happened. The craziest thing like.. ever!

"glory. This is lola, the one I told you about. She is in charge of you now. She will see that you get a supply of silks and cosmetics and sometimes do your face and hair. Shes first girl to you lowly slut and if I have to give her a kalana switch I will and believe me. If you don't obey her I will come after you. And not gentle like the last time. Now kiss her cheek and greet her." Said my wicked funny Master!

But he wasn't laughing. I stepped from behind him and nervously leaned down to kiss the woman’s cheek. Glory is a woman too, not a girl. I am a girl.. bit is even a girl.. Glory is too.. Scandalous to be a girl. The next hour was so surreal for me.. Bit arrived too and he told her the same. I did not know what to say or how to act.. Should I act differently? Did this mean no more stomping my feet?! And too.. how proud I was! That he trusted me this much.. Trusted me enough to delegate tasks, keep them pretty for him. He gave bit some instructions on how to deal on how to handle her complaints of me while I was measuring Glory. I take measuring very seriously, you know.. It's more work to make things look like they fit accidentally then on purpose. There is a little manipulative magic in the way a woman in dressed.

What happened next should have made me angry, should have made my blood boil. He took us home, all three of us and let the other two tend to him, but not I. I did not touch him at all. I stood by the mantle instead.

I was center stage, but that’s a story for another time.

Spoils of War

I was in the garden this morning, pulling up the dandelions that kept trying to choke the roses that grew wild along the western wall. Agrippa had walked past the doors, I had left them thrown open. He smiled at me and I straightened up, brushing a sunny tendril from my face, I left a streak of dirt there and he chuckled at me. I blushed.

"Be a good girl Lola."

Flash.

It was nearly two years ago now, I think. It is hard for me to tell time and dates on this planet, but that's close enough. I had already been on Gor for one year and I was just about to turn 19, I think. Like I said, the dates get all mixed up in my head. I was on a ship bound for some northern port, or southern.. see I wasn’t sure of that either. Part of my training was no training at all. On earth I had been a clever, educated girl. On Gor I was effectively clueless, always a step behind, always trying to puzzle out the world.

I knew very few things and they were thusly..

1. The Professor was at fault.
2. The Professor owned me.
3. I was being shipped to the Professor.
4. The Professor had gone to great lengths to do .. this.
5. The Professor was my whole world.

I had not seen him since my last night on Earth, the night he tried to tell me about dominance and submission, the night I had laughed at him and called him an impotent old man.

"Bad little girls should be spanked." he said.

"Dirty old men should be locked up." I laughed.

He poured me another glass of wine. A year later I was on a ship heading away from Ar. I was not collared, nor branded. My slavery was not yet.. mine. I was just surviving. Perhaps the Professor did this on purpose, made me desperate for affection, for the gentle touch of a man, the harsh grasp of a Master. Isolation had made me weak, vulnerable.. and ready for Gor.

There was seventeen of us on the ship, seventeen girls from Ar, each more beautiful then the next. My beauty is not like theirs, I am non traditional. I was dressed the same though, brown rep cloth tunics, slit high on each thigh. I was not to be touched but I would be teased. I would be tested. Once a day they let us on deck, for an hour we were allowed to wander and bask in the sun.. we had to dodge the sailors hands.

I remember the way I felt, leaning against the rail, watching the other ship approach us slowly. I was contented, happy.. excited for my next journey and terrified all at once. I watched the other ship, I saw a dark haired man in uniform standing at the ships bow. I saw his lips twitch and I turned away quickly. Now, today.. I sometimes wonder if that man was Agrippa, if he saw me then.. If everything that happened next might have been all because of the curve of my cheekbone or the turn of my hip. I have never asked him, I am too scared to learn how random it all really was, how accidental. I prefer the romantic notion that he wanted me then, bad enough to commit the acts that followed.

It's all so fuzzy now.. Everything that happened in the next hour is a blur... Shots were fired, the captain of my ship and Agrippa argued, threatened.. The captain of our ship was a pirate and the seventeen girls and I were being stolen. There were screams and shouting. I was knocked to the deck when the two ships collided and the men from Agrippa’s ship poured like ants onto ours. Men died that day. I fled the deck, or tried.. but every door I found, every exit, was blocked by sword fights or worse.. fallen bodies. I slipped in a pool of red blood and I cried out as I felt it splatter against my calf. I turned again, trying to run but I left hellish prints of blood with my small feet.. I felt him behind me before I turned. Blue eyes met brown.. I whimpered and pressed my hand to my naked throat. My back against cool metal. I was trapped. He was pleased.

Agrippa smiled at me. "Tal." he said as if he were just another frat boy at a Omega Phi Kegger. The kind of boy I'd never speak too, the kind of boy beneath me. He reached for me, took my elbow. I was wide eyed. "Oh wait, please!" There was a body between us and Agrippa, as gentle as could be, helped me step over it. He looked into my eyes and knew all my bad girl secrets. He knew just how to lull me into complacency. He helped me cross to his ship easily. We had barely spoken. I was terrified. We had, in that moment, already pressed our fingerprints onto each others soul.

The women were rounded up on the deck; the men were being marched below. I looked at the group of girls and inhaled deeply. I expected to be shoved in with them. The men were loud around me, cat calling and arguing over who would get which girl. We were the spoils of an international ship battle. Something I could barely comprehend.

"I want that one!" Someone called and pointed at me.

"No, she’s not up for grabs." Agrippa spoke. Instinctively I curled my body against his side. He wasn’t angry or jealous or any of things that would have made me swooney. He just... was. I felt everyone’s eyes on me and while I wanted to deny what he said.. I pressed to his side, looking for protection form the accusing looks. Agrippa had been to the buffet and picked out his meal, that’s all. No one challenged him.

I was not allowed to leave his side for the rest of the night and I barely spoke. I watched him though, how he spoke to his men, how he laughed and how he ate. I kept his battered tin cup filled, I ate from his fingers. There was laughter around me when I did that and it confused me, I did not understand the act of submission I had just committed.

There was dancing going on and a game that my friend Brenda lost.. She was gang raped right there on the deck and Agrippa made me watch. I did not know his name then and all I had said to him so far was a serious of quiet please’s. His hand was in my hair and he pressed me to his thigh as I watched. He whispered to me, things that made my pulse race, things that made me squirm. I watched my friend as she was used so completely that when they finished with her she slept.. right there on the deck.. in a slick pile of mess.

"What are you called?" He asked me, gently pulling my hair so I would look up at him.

"Lola." I whispered. My eyes on his.

He smiled at me. "Suck my cock Lola."

And I did. He hurt me that night on the deck; he was no longer gentle with the little girl between his thighs. I wept for what he took from me, stole from the professor. When he finished with me I expected to be sent away, to be dismissed and given away. I was surprised.. and a little touched when he took me with him to the nets and pulled me down beside him. My throat was sore, my jaw ached and I felt dirty and cold. He pressed my cheek to his hip and said..

“Be a good girl Lola”

And I, unable to help myself sighed against his skin, relaxed into him and slept.

Looking back now I wish I had not been so clueless then, so confused. I wish I could have allowed myself to feel pride that I was coveted by the Captain of such a ship, that I was kept apart from the other girls. I was yours; you never had to tell me. I already knew.

I was already yours.

Cry Baby

There she go talkin' her mess
All around town makin' me stress
I need to get this off my chest
Know you really don't wanna step to dis
Really don't know why you talkin' shit
You 'bout to catch one right in the lip
It's about to be a what? Girlfight!
-Brooke Valentine


I slammed the hidden door behind me and then.. I slammed it again. It was such a loud sound, the slam, the shake of window panes. A bird fled from the wild flower garden and I was struck by the symbolism of the act. I scared away the very birds I worked so hard to attract to the garden. I spent hours in the walled garden. I pulled the weeds, I watered the blossoms. I watched the butterflies and wished I knew their names. And then, in my self righteous anger.. I frightened them away.

Nice going Lola. But see the connection?

The small room I locked myself into was not a bedroom, nor a slave kennel. It was actually a sweet little room. It had a large picture window that faced the wildflower garden and the wall behind it. I could not be seen by those outside of the house and only Agrippa knew where the door to this room was. There were white wood shelves and old scrubbed cabinets. A low table, surrounded by old cushions sat in the middle of the room.. waiting for me to work. The silks I had made for bit were spread out over the center. The chains I had carefully worked into the silk glinted in the dim lamplight.

I could not look at them.

My heart hurt so badly it seemed to fill up my chest and constrict my breathing, my throat was delicately bruised from my chain sisters violence. I sank to the floor, my back to the wall, my knees hugged into my chest, I took the cheap white beads I had collected from broken strands and threw them from me.. they were not worth the trouble, were they? The string broke and spilled the beads over the worn wood floor, little round beads scattered.. like my thoughts and the remants of my broken heart.

I've never been sent away from him before, I've never heard the pang of disappointment in his voice, directed at me. I tried, desperately to recall where I had gone so badly wrong.. I had not been welcoming to Bit, of course. I felt completely upstaged by her, by the way he lured her onto the ship, fucked here while I was forced to watch, the admiration in his voice for the bred den slave. Those first few days I had been cold to her but I had spoken to her, I tried to help her please him. Bit had made it clear that she didn't need my help.. she apparently knew him just as well as I did.

I had swallowed that hurt.

He was so pleased with Bit.. with how she brought him money, how sultry she was, how alluring. I.. am not those things. I will never be the kind of slave that brings home money. I cannot even count money. He has given bit shiny new things and a thick strong collar. He doesn't require her to work like I do.

I swallowed those hurts too.

He has dismissed me to be with her, he talks about her when she is not there, he never saw the silks I made her.. he bought her something new instead.

I gulped that one down with a pretty smile and my teeth pressed to my tongue.

I think I have so many reasons to be jealous of bit, more then I can count, more then I can handle all in one sitting. I had gotten past all of that. Agrippa had, without words, assured me that I was not to complete, it wasn't meant to be a competition. I was Lola, the only Lola, no matter what. I swallowed, and chewed and digested it all. I was getting better at it by the day. Little by little, unnoticed, my efforts grew. Even when he sent me to buy her yet more new silk! As if all my work was worthless. I swallowed it then too and tried to talk to her. She wanted my pinks and blues and yellows.. she pulled my hair and then.. she actually jumped me. She wrapped her arm around my slender throat and cut off my breath while threatening to kill me. Bit was shouting at me.. I was crying like a child.

Lola the little girl! How could I ever, ever compete with Bit the come hither whore? I can't, I do not want too. I want to just be Lola. I want that to be enough.

It was burning me up inside, this feeling of not being enough. I was angry about it because I had already conquered it. I had already learned that I did not need to compete. That this chain.. was not a competition at all. But every time I have to see Bit.. she turns it back into one. No matter what I do.. she can't see past her own defenses. Defenses she doesn't need and do not become her.

I told my Master something he did not like, the reason, I think, that I was punished and Bit was not. I told him I did not wish to share him. I love him. Not as a slave loves her master, not even as a woman loves a man. I love him so completely that I do not see myself as a separate entity from him. I am me, of course, I have my own heart and thoughts and quirks.. but I am also an extension of him. I have my finger on his heart, I know there is tenderness there. I covet that tenderness.. that, exactly that, is what I cannot share. The connection between us.. I will defend it any way I can.

"I do not want to share you Master, but I know I must.. I am glad it is Bit."

I was glad.. and now I never wanted to be near that woman again. I had thought Gorean slaves understood their slavery better then I did. I thought I would be learning from her. Yet here I am.. trying to make her understand how horribly wrong she has everything.

Or.. maybe I am wrong. Maybe I have no right to protect my connection with him. Maybe it is not even mine to protect. Maybe.. I am wrong.

I cried that night, for hours I cried, curled up under the window, the door locked but the window open. The cool nights breeze soothed the hot anger in my belly, the feeling of betrayal. I felt like bit had taken all my efforts and thrown them in my face, determined to see me as a mean, spiteful girl. She doesn't know me.. not at all. And all I could do.. was hope he would allow me to keep trying to reach her.

All I can do is hope he can.. still see me under all this.. strange not like me stuff.

Reflections

Written just before we left Port Kar.
Feb/March 09

My Master calls me Lola and no one else calls me much of anything. I am just a slip of a girl. Agrippa's pretty paper doll. He likes my pretty yellow curls and my big blue eyes. He likes the flare of my hips and the slope of my breasts. He likes the smooth expanse below my belly and he likes to hold me down beneath him. He will treat me with indifference but I will work harder then for his attention. He won't tell you I am his love slave and I won't tell you that either. I will tell you I am his shop girl, his maid. I fluff his pillows, I clean his boots, I mend his clothes and fetch his beer and favorite snacks. I am just his girl. No pretty title, just my pretty smile. I belong to Agrippa and he calls me his Lola.

The story of how we met is one for the books. I am from Earth, I was a college student, an activist. I had plans to change the world. I taught Yoga and I knew how to belly dance. I was a vegan. I met a professor and we formed a strange relationship. When he told me he wanted to be my Master I called him a dirty pig and left him. A week later I woke up in a cage, on Gor. I spent a year being trained for the pleasure of the Gatherer, the Professor I had met on Earth but when I was on the ship to meet him we were attacked. I was part of the bounty.

I first met his gaze over the body of a sailor. My small feet were soaked in blood and he easily followed my footsteps. He stripped me, made me kneel and then smiled. I cried. I was herded with the other women onto his ship but was kept at his side. I was not in the pool with the other girls when they were divided up. I did not know it but I was already Agrippa's slave. It was barely a week before I was in love with him. I was helpless for him. I was his in every sense of the word and still wanted more. He is not always kind to me but I wouldn't have it any other way. The slave he had was sold and I was a little sad to be alone but I admit I was pleased to have him to myself.

That was about a year ago now. I am still the shop girl, the beer fetcher, the sex toy and the comfort of Agrippa. I am the slave of Agrippa. I am the happiest barbarian slave there ever was.