Where my love grows

"You can deal with it then." he had said, as if it was some kind of annoyance to his world. It is the last time I recall being really, really happy. It was only a few weeks ago but it seemed too far away to touch now. My mental bridge between that day and this day has fallen. Broken. Dust between us.

I had kissed him and laughed when he gave me the wildflower garden with it's climbing ivy and flowers so big and bright they were dazzling to me. Birds live in my garden, butterflies flock here. Love grows here. I cannot name the flowers, I was taught nothing of Gorean botany. I call them by their colors. Tall yellow reed, fat red blooms, spiraling blue bush. There are more then I can ever count and every morning I pluck a handful of them and bring them into the kitchen to brighten everyone's day.

Everything was perfect that day.

Now I have doubt, now I wonder why I bother. How can I be a love slave and have doubt? I am supposed to be the most humbled of slaves, the happiest, the most fulfilled. But I have run out of smiles, I had no idea I had so few or I would not have squandered them away so quickly. Agrippa has not run out of smiles... just smiles for me. He hardly notices me now, no matter how much effort I put into how I dress, or my hair. I could be wearing bootstraps and sack cloth, it would all be the same. I would do it too, because misbehaving seems to work for Bit.. but I am not that bold, I need him to be pleased with me to much to want his negative attention. And somehow.. while he seems to find Bits misbehavior, often at my own expense, amusing.. I do not think I enjoy that same connection with him. I do not want too. I am a good girl.

I have lost my cute. Like a broken toy. That's what I am too.. a broken Toy.

She got into my gold glitter, which I suppose is not very rare or expensive but.. I had earned that, Agrippa had not given it to me or bought it for me.. I had earned that on my own. I had tried to tell him twice, even before bit used it, but.. There is something wrong with the way my voice finds his ears, it keeps getting lost on the way. The small gestures I have tried to make, the kisses and the touches.. have gone unnoticed for days. All of this and then Bit used nearly all of my glitter which cannot be replaced by simply purchasing more.

He had me whip bit, I didn't want too, I've never whipped anyone, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I re-home the worms and snails I find in the garden for goodness sake.. and still I had to whip her. When I finished I realized how little it mattered, Bit hardly seemed bothered by the fact that I whacked her with a tree branch ten times. She must be a very strong woman because I would have been reduced to apologetic tears. Apologies on Gor seem so rare, which is probably a good thing, they are more meaningful when they are doled out sparingly. But I.. I would have liked a real apology for the destruction of my things. For the disrespect of touching what was mine without asking, for ignoring the order to wait til I taught her how to use them before she did.

I tried so hard to like bit and, for awhile, I did. I liked her right up until she tried to physically harm me and and threatened my life. How can I forgive that when, again, she has not apologized and likely never will unless someone tells her too. I was trying to pick out fabric for her, mind you.. I never get to buy new fabrics for myself, but I was picking out colors for Bit. I have no idea what she was so worked up about. So worked up that she though it was justified to pull my hair and choke me. Bit doesn't understand that she has so much more then I do. She did not make anything she wears, she never has to get her hands dirty, Agrippa is always pleased to see her. She has a more elaborate collar, she has more freedoms, she does not annoy him like I do. He went out of his way to have her, tricked her, wanted her to be his. Me? I was just an accident, hopefully still a happy one.

Bit and I will never be friends, I suppose. Not like I have easily befriended Glory. I think perhaps it is because Glory is so completely unlike me, it is easier for me to like her. The more bit tries to be like me.. the less I want to be around her. It makes the ground beneath my feet shift, it makes my collar feel.. looser.

I am.. unpleasant to be around now, I can see that. I am not a happy girl, the happy girl he used to like. I will let their be space between us, I will let him decide when he wants me near. I have enough to do at home to keep me occupied.

The garden needs some attention.